NFRC Offers Resource for Hispanic Families

NFRC has posted a new podcast that describes, in both Spanish and English, an important resource for Hispanic families. The podcast features Maria Casasco and Carlos Camino, facilitators for a co-parenting seminar offered to Spanish-speaking parents who are going through a divorce, separation or other transition. Listen to the podcast.

NFRC Executive Director Testifies Before Maryland Access to Justice Commission

NFRC Executive Director Risa Garon testified before the Maryland Access to Justice Commission, a group of leaders and stake-holders from the Maryland Judiciary and its many justice system partners. 

In her testimony, Risa shared her personal and professional experiences in the justice system, advocated for change, and made recommendations for the future.

She recommended early intervention of a multidisciplinary team working with families to assess what a particular family needs. "All of the stake-holders need to be well-versed in child development," said Risa. "Parent plans need to be individualized, needs-based and age-appropriate."

For more details about Risa's testimony, visit NFRC's article about the testimony.

Join NFRC For A Beaujolais Nouveau Benefit Luncheon

Join us on Nov. 19 from 11:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. for a fabulous luncheon and the unveiling of the first wine of the season. The location is Tersiguel's Restaurant, 8293 Main Street, Ellicott City, MD 21043. The donation is $75 and will help the National Family Resiliency Center continue to offer counseling and educational services to children and families on a sliding fee basis. For more information, call 410-740-9553 or 301-384-0079.

NFRC Executive Director Offers Advice for Stars of 'Jon and Kate Plus 8'

Entertainment reporters recently broke the news that Kate Gosselin - co-star of the popular reality show 'Jon and Kate Plus 8' - is moving to Rockville without Jon. As the couple goes through a very public divorce, National Family Resiliency Center Executive Director Risa Garon shared advice via the Baltimore Sun's "Charm City Moms" blog. Here's the link:

Risa Garon's Advice for 'Jon and Kate Plus 8'

Jon and Kate might want to consider clicking on Family Connex to help them craft a child-focused parent plan that is then attached to their legal document.

NFRC Executive Director Named "Woman of Distinction"

Risa Garon, the executive director of the National Family Resiliency Center, was named the 2009 "Woman of Distinction" by the Business Women's Network of Howard County, Maryland. Congratulations, Risa!

Come Run 5 for Families

Join us for a 5K race and 1-mile fun walk on Saturday, June 13 at Meadowbrook Park in Ellicott City. Runners of all abilities can help boost the National Family Resiliency Center by coming out and racing on an accurately measured, scenic course. Bring your family because there's something for all ages, including free facepainting and crafts for the kids all morning. The 5K begins at 8:15 a.m. and the one-mile walk starts at 8:30. To register, visit the NFRC home page at www.nfrchelp.org, or call NFRC at 410-740-9553. 

Preparing for a Separation During Tough Financial Times

While you may want to separate, you may be forced to "sit tight" because, like millions of other people, you are under financial stress during these tough economic times. I want to tell you about an online resource called "Family Connex" that can help you and your partner move forward - while still in the same home - to prepare for a separation by "practicing" co-parent communication and planning how you will each meet your children's developmental needs.

Family Connex helps you build a tentative parent agreement and implement parts of it that you can. For example, as co-parents you might arrange a night for each parent to have special time with the kids while the other parent leaves the home or has a break in the home. This can help you right now because it can reduce your adult tension by turning the focus away from your adult relationship toward thinking about the present and future well-being of your children. Family Connex gives you guidelines on what you need to discuss and address, and it can guide you toward dividing time you will each spend with your children.

Meanwhile, understand how your tension affects your children:

• Kids are like sponges; they absorb tensions and begin to sense when there are problems betwen parents. Many of their friends or classmates may have gone through a transition. They may be wondering about their own family: "Will my mom and dad get divorced?"
  
• If parents are arguing and the children are aware of it, they can become hyper-vigilant in not saying or doing anything that would exacerbate the tension. 
  
• Kids may feel stuck in the middle. They may worry about a parent, be angry at a parent, or feel badly when they are told they are "just like your mother or father."
  

The Family Connex program can help you prepare for a separation now even though the separation may occur down the road. You'll begin working on a parenting plan that you will develop and implement once you divorce.

Be honest with your children in an age-appropriate way. Do not give your children adult details but indicate that there are problems between their parents if they ask. Reassure your children that you love them and will be there for them. Assure them that anything that occurs between their parents is not their fault.

Put your marital or adult issues aside and begin to communicate as co-parents. This is a gift you give to children and yourselves as loving, responsible parents. If you want to save money and avoid hurting your children, Family Connex will guide you and your partner in what you need to discuss with regard to your children.

Helping Children and Teens to Grieve

For most parents experiencing a family change such as separation, divorce or the disengagement of an adult relationship with children, seeing their children in emotional pain as a result of such a change is very difficult. It is hard to reconcile that parents may have made a decision that is good for them but hurtful to their children. Grief is a process that we all experience when we lose something such a person, situation or event.

To grieve means to mourn the losses of what we once had:

• The picture of the family we thought we would have forever
  
• Financial security
  
• Seeing children and children seeing their parents every day
  
• Family traditions
  
• The family home
  
• Extended family and friends
  
• Feeing safe and protected by parents

Children, like adults, experience a roller coaster of emotions: profound sadness, anger, confusion, worries, fear, relief, denial. How do we help children cope with grief and come out of it feeling a sense of hope?

Children are egocentric; explain what changes are about to take place or have taken place in language they can understand.

Teach children to express their feelings and allow them to in age appropriate ways, through stories, puppet shows, books, music

Reassure children that their lives will remain as stable and secure for them as possible: they can bring their favorite blanket and toys from one home to the other

Allow children access via phone and or email when away from one parent

Refrain from badmouthing other parent, allow child and parent to have a close relationship

Permit children to recollect memories from the past; it validates children’s feelings

Help children through transitions from one home to another: quiet times in rooms, taking a walk together

Accept that you may be at one point in the grief process, your child another

You and your child could also benefit by journeying through NFRC’s Family Connex, a parenting plan that helps families at their own pace. Visit www.familyconnex.org for more information.

Our Clients’ Best Ideas on Surviving and Thriving

A mom recently came in for her appointment and said, “ I finally got to take a shower.” A dad came in and said, “I should own a taxi company.” Life in the fast lane of being a single parent is not easy. How do parents survive and thrive? Here are some tips our clients have taught us:

Prioritize and make your children number-one; the house will always be there. Your flowers may not bloom but your children will if they are treated as number-one.

Ask for help with your children; you can’t do it alone!

Build a network of support among friends, colleagues and family. Some may provide you with emotional support, others may help you with car pools, while others may provide some childcare.

Join a group with others experiencing a family transition. You learn, you share, and you grow in a safe, confidential environment.

Take a co-parent education course to help you better understand how to help yourselves and your children and to help you learn how to co-parent in constructive ways.

Allow your children to love you and their other parent; this will foster healthy self-esteem for your children.

Give yourself a break each day, whether it is a 5-minute meditation, brisk walk, talk with your best friend—you deserve a break!

One of the best ways to survive and thrive is to create a parenting plan. NRFC’s online tool, found at www.familyconnex.org can help.

Getting Through the Holidays

We purposely chose to launch our blog and podcast series at holiday time—a time of celebration which often triggers a feeling of loss for children and adults, particularly if this is the first holiday since your family change.

We know from working with many families that families benefit from support during this time. (Actually, everyone needs it!) Whether you celebrate Christmas, Kwanzaa or Chanukah, the perfect picture of a holiday never existed - but the problem is that everyone strives for it.

How can you make your holiday meaningful for you and your children?

Can some of you discuss your “first holiday” after a separation or divorce or end of an adult relationship? How did you feel? Was there anyone there to help you? What did you do to help you get through it?

I have truly been impressed by parents who are able to retain special family traditions that are very meaningful to their children, and parents who are incredibly creative in establishing new traditions as well.

If you find yourself in need of additional practical advice tailored to your family, check out the NFRC's newest online resource, the Family Connex program, by visiting www.familyconnex.org.

As we begin to get to know you, we look forward to hearing from you and learning about what topics you would like to see addressed.

National Family Resiliency Center, Inc. located in Columbia, Rockville and Solomons, MD works with many families. Our staff has found that holiday times can be very stressful for children and parents, regardless of composition. We hope that the following “Holiday Changes” will be helpful to you.

Holiday Changes

CHRISTMAS, CHANUKAH, KWANZAA. Everywhere we look the messages remind us that holidays are “joyous” events filled with fun, family and friends sharing the celebrations. For those families who are experiencing separation and divorce, these holidays can be times of sadness and frustration. Parents may feel financial stress and loneliness at no longer having a spouse with whom to share the family’s traditional celebrations. Children may feel a pull between two parents whom they love and with whom they’d like to share the holiday. Children may also feel responsible for the happiness of each parent and may be afraid to express their own feelings about the family plans for fear of hurting a parent. All of these feelings are normal and experienced by many.

Feeling a Sense of Family At
Holiday Times

Like most families, children and adults who have experienced a separation or divorce tend to idealize what past holidays have been like. They need to know that it is all right to acknowledge the losses from the past such as not being with both parents, not having the resources to provide the kinds of holidays they had in the past, not having extended family and old friends to share with. When remembering, it helps to review the past to include a more realistic view of what holidays “really” were like. For example, at Christmas time last year, members of a separated and divorced men’s group looked in retrospect at their holiday celebrations. One man commented, “Everything looked good from the outside—holiday decorations, a beautiful table set, lots of food, but no one talked to each other and there was so much tension…I miss the dream; not the reality.”

What then can parents and children do after expressing their feelings of loss? Many families have used the holiday season as a time to reaffirm the fact that, although changes have taken place, the existing family is still a family and can share happiness together. Perhaps some of these ideas that other families have used can help you and your family.

Parents and children can establish new holiday traditions rather than trying to recreate the past. It is important for children to be a part of planning new traditions. Families can brainstorm, then implement together.

Often, because there is a significant reduction in income following a separation and divorce, many families think they can’t have a nice holiday. It may take some creative thinking but it is possible:

· Christmas trees may have to be smaller and decorations can be made from inexpensive materials. Often classes are in making homemade decorations offered in the community.

· Children can do extra chores to earn money to buy gifts and families can agree to a certain number of gifts beforehand to avoid disappointments and pressure. Lists can be prepared beforehand so that parents and children can make out their affordable budget.

· Give gifts that don’t cost money: breakfast in bed, playing a game, reading a book, watching a show, and spending time together.

· Get together with other families who may be experiencing similar situations and pool resources for dinner and emotional support. Friends and relatives may assume you have plans. Try to be assertive and ask to be
included. Allow others to offer emotional support and give to you.

· Families can feel good about reaching out to others in the midst of their own losses. They can volunteer at a shelter for homeless or abused or participate in a church or synagogue related helping activity.

· Several communities, churches and synagogues initiate family events at
holiday times. Explore what is available. Local organizations such a SWORD
(Separated, Widowed, or divorced) or PWP (Parents Without Partners) have many
holiday activities.

Perhaps the most important “gift” is to look at your relationships and
acknowledge that as a very special gift you can share more feelings with others,
plan activities together.

Some Common Concerns

There are no set rules that determine how you or your child should handle holiday times. What is right for one family may not be right for another.

Some questions or concerns parents have shared with us are:

1) Should I spend holiday time together with my ex-spouse so that my child can be with both parents simultaneously?

On the one hand, seeing the two of you together, interacting in a friendly way may strengthen your child’s belief in the possibility of reconciliation. If reconciliation is not likely, this may be confusing to your child. Similarly, if you have not completely let go and emotionally separated from your ex-spouse, this sharing may be painful for you as well.

On the other hand, if your time together occurs within the context of a clear understanding and acceptance on everyone’s part regarding the reality of the separation or divorce, then your child may experience pleasure from being in the company of both parents. You, too, may experience comfort and warmth, which are always welcome at holiday time.

2) How should I handle invitations that seem to be extended to me as a “favor?” I do not want to impose on others.

Watch your assumptions! Don’t assume that just because you are single you are less desirable to others as company. It is just possible that others welcome your presence as a true asset to their holiday get together.

If you believe that you might be imposing, it would be important to air this concern honestly and openly. If instead you respond with a polite refusal, without expressing your underlying feelings, your response may be misconstrued as disinterest and you risk the possibility of discouraging those you care about from reaching out in the future.

3) What if I truly want to be alone? Does that mean there is something wrong with me and should I say “yes” in order to avoid offending my friends and family?

While enjoying the company of others is an important part of a healthy, well-rounded existence, it is also important to be able to enjoy being by yourself. Most people seem to feel comfortable with a balance of together and alone time and it is your right to decide when each should occur. If you speak honestly with friends or family about your preference for being alone, it is not likely that those who truly care about your well-being will be offended.

Blended Families Can Feel A
Sense of Family At Holiday Times

While numerous suggestions offered to children and adults experiencing separation/divorce can also be helpful to blended families, some unique features of blended families call for specific suggestions to cope with holidays.

Some children may not live with the family but may be visiting at holiday time. Children may scatter on a particular holiday as divorce agreements between the remarried couple may differ in how children spend their holiday. There may be six or eight grandparents to visit instead of four; with numerous extended kin to consider. Finances also need to be considered since there are simply more gifts to buy for more family members; with parents sometimes having to support two households. Stepparents may feel very anxious about how to go about holiday planning.

Since the stepparent-child relationship may still be evolving, it is important that all family members discuss holiday plans, needs and decisions way ahead of time to avoid unnecessary hurt feeling.

• The following suggestions are intended to help a stepfamily create a family holiday time.


• Discuss plans when non-live-in children who may be with you at a holiday time are there.


• Allow some discussion about old celebrations to give family members a chance to express their feelings and work on any related grief issues.
  
• Parents need to communicate with former spouses and present mates to determine and coordinate times to be with children.
  
• Allow children to express how they would like to spend their holiday. Try not to take their desire to be with another parent personally. It’s all right to express your feelings about this (e.g. disappointment) and request alternative times for you both to enjoy the holiday.


• Brainstorm new traditions and select a few “special” ones all family members like. Designate deadlines and structure the tasks specifically to reinforce success.


• Keep a few old traditions from each family that are still meaningful and shared among all family members.