Helping Children and Teens to Grieve

For most parents experiencing a family change such as separation, divorce or the disengagement of an adult relationship with children, seeing their children in emotional pain as a result of such a change is very difficult. It is hard to reconcile that parents may have made a decision that is good for them but hurtful to their children. Grief is a process that we all experience when we lose something such a person, situation or event.

To grieve means to mourn the losses of what we once had:

• The picture of the family we thought we would have forever
  
• Financial security
  
• Seeing children and children seeing their parents every day
  
• Family traditions
  
• The family home
  
• Extended family and friends
  
• Feeing safe and protected by parents

Children, like adults, experience a roller coaster of emotions: profound sadness, anger, confusion, worries, fear, relief, denial. How do we help children cope with grief and come out of it feeling a sense of hope?

Children are egocentric; explain what changes are about to take place or have taken place in language they can understand.

Teach children to express their feelings and allow them to in age appropriate ways, through stories, puppet shows, books, music

Reassure children that their lives will remain as stable and secure for them as possible: they can bring their favorite blanket and toys from one home to the other

Allow children access via phone and or email when away from one parent

Refrain from badmouthing other parent, allow child and parent to have a close relationship

Permit children to recollect memories from the past; it validates children’s feelings

Help children through transitions from one home to another: quiet times in rooms, taking a walk together

Accept that you may be at one point in the grief process, your child another

You and your child could also benefit by journeying through NFRC’s Family Connex, a parenting plan that helps families at their own pace. Visit www.familyconnex.org for more information.

Our Clients’ Best Ideas on Surviving and Thriving

A mom recently came in for her appointment and said, “ I finally got to take a shower.” A dad came in and said, “I should own a taxi company.” Life in the fast lane of being a single parent is not easy. How do parents survive and thrive? Here are some tips our clients have taught us:

Prioritize and make your children number-one; the house will always be there. Your flowers may not bloom but your children will if they are treated as number-one.

Ask for help with your children; you can’t do it alone!

Build a network of support among friends, colleagues and family. Some may provide you with emotional support, others may help you with car pools, while others may provide some childcare.

Join a group with others experiencing a family transition. You learn, you share, and you grow in a safe, confidential environment.

Take a co-parent education course to help you better understand how to help yourselves and your children and to help you learn how to co-parent in constructive ways.

Allow your children to love you and their other parent; this will foster healthy self-esteem for your children.

Give yourself a break each day, whether it is a 5-minute meditation, brisk walk, talk with your best friend—you deserve a break!

One of the best ways to survive and thrive is to create a parenting plan. NRFC’s online tool, found at www.familyconnex.org can help.