Welcome to NFRC Online

Welcome to the National Family Resiliency Center’s new online community! As a nonprofit mental health center (formerly the Children of Separation and Divorce Center, Inc.), we help children and parents through family transitions. We’re very excited to be able to enhance the support we provide to our online “family.”

Having worked with more than 23,000 family members over the past 24 years, we have a vast amount of experience and knowledge. We have the gift of our peer counselors - children, teens and adults who have also been through family transitions and want to give back and volunteer their time to reach out to others. You’ll meet some of them as our online neighborhood unfolds.

Our center and staff are dedicated to helping families experience a healthy family transition so that children can remain “kids” and not be “children of divorce,” and that you as adults can move forward with your lives without rage, anger, guilt and self/other deprecation.

We'd also like to tell you more about another online resource: Family Connex, a self-paced parent planning program customized for your blended family. Visit www.familyconnex.org for details, and we'll be talking more about this important resource in future blog entries and podcasts.

We sincerely hope that our new online connection will not only be valuable to you but will create new connections with many others out there like you who deserve, welcome and benefit from support.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Getting Through the Holidays

We purposely chose to launch our blog and podcast series at holiday time—a time of celebration which often triggers a feeling of loss for children and adults, particularly if this is the first holiday since your family change.

We know from working with many families that families benefit from support during this time. (Actually, everyone needs it!) Whether you celebrate Christmas, Kwanzaa or Chanukah, the perfect picture of a holiday never existed - but the problem is that everyone strives for it.

How can you make your holiday meaningful for you and your children?

Can some of you discuss your “first holiday” after a separation or divorce or end of an adult relationship? How did you feel? Was there anyone there to help you? What did you do to help you get through it?

I have truly been impressed by parents who are able to retain special family traditions that are very meaningful to their children, and parents who are incredibly creative in establishing new traditions as well.

If you find yourself in need of additional practical advice tailored to your family, check out the NFRC's newest online resource, the Family Connex program, by visiting www.familyconnex.org.

As we begin to get to know you, we look forward to hearing from you and learning about what topics you would like to see addressed.


National Family Resiliency Center, Inc. located in Columbia, Rockville and Solomons, MD works with many families. Our staff has found that holiday times can be very stressful for children and parents, regardless of composition. We hope that the following “Holiday Changes” will be helpful to you.


Holiday Changes


CHRISTMAS, CHANUKAH, KWANZAA. Everywhere we look the messages remind us that holidays are “joyous” events filled with fun, family and friends sharing the celebrations. For those families who are experiencing separation and divorce, these holidays can be times of sadness and frustration. Parents may feel financial stress and loneliness at no longer having a spouse with whom to share the family’s traditional celebrations. Children may feel a pull between two parents whom they love and with whom they’d like to share the holiday. Children may also feel responsible for the happiness of each parent and may be afraid to express their own feelings about the family plans for fear of hurting a parent. All of these feelings are normal and experienced by many.

Feeling a Sense of Family At
Holiday Times

Like most families, children and adults who have experienced a separation or divorce tend to idealize what past holidays have been like. They need to know that it is all right to acknowledge the losses from the past such as not being with both parents, not having the resources to provide the kinds of holidays they had in the past, not having extended family and old friends to share with. When remembering, it helps to review the past to include a more realistic view of what holidays “really” were like. For example, at Christmas time last year, members of a separated and divorced men’s group looked in retrospect at their holiday celebrations. One man commented, “Everything looked good from the outside—holiday decorations, a beautiful table set, lots of food, but no one talked to each other and there was so much tension…I miss the dream; not the reality.”

What then can parents and children do after expressing their feelings of loss? Many families have used the holiday season as a time to reaffirm the fact that, although changes have taken place, the existing family is still a family and can share happiness together. Perhaps some of these ideas that other families have used can help you and your family.

Parents and children can establish new holiday traditions rather than trying to recreate the past. It is important for children to be a part of planning new traditions. Families can brainstorm, then implement together.

Often, because there is a significant reduction in income following a separation and divorce, many families think they can’t have a nice holiday. It may take some creative thinking but it is possible:

· Christmas trees may have to be smaller and decorations can be made from inexpensive materials. Often classes are in making homemade decorations offered in the community.

· Children can do extra chores to earn money to buy gifts and families can agree to a certain number of gifts beforehand to avoid disappointments and pressure. Lists can be prepared beforehand so that parents and children can make out their affordable budget.

· Give gifts that don’t cost money: breakfast in bed, playing a game, reading a book, watching a show, and spending time together.

· Get together with other families who may be experiencing similar situations and pool resources for dinner and emotional support. Friends and relatives may assume you have plans. Try to be assertive and ask to be
included. Allow others to offer emotional support and give to you.

· Families can feel good about reaching out to others in the midst of their own losses. They can volunteer at a shelter for homeless or abused or participate in a church or synagogue related helping activity.

· Several communities, churches and synagogues initiate family events at
holiday times. Explore what is available. Local organizations such a SWORD
(Separated, Widowed, or divorced) or PWP (Parents Without Partners) have many
holiday activities.

Perhaps the most important “gift” is to look at your relationships and
acknowledge that as a very special gift you can share more feelings with others,
plan activities together.

Some Common Concerns


There are no set rules that determine how you or your child should handle holiday times. What is right for one family may not be right for another.

Some questions or concerns parents have shared with us are:

1) Should I spend holiday time together with my ex-spouse so that my child can be with both parents simultaneously?

On the one hand, seeing the two of you together, interacting in a friendly way may strengthen your child’s belief in the possibility of reconciliation. If reconciliation is not likely, this may be confusing to your child. Similarly, if you have not completely let go and emotionally separated from your ex-spouse, this sharing may be painful for you as well.

On the other hand, if your time together occurs within the context of a clear understanding and acceptance on everyone’s part regarding the reality of the separation or divorce, then your child may experience pleasure from being in the company of both parents. You, too, may experience comfort and warmth, which are always welcome at holiday time.

2) How should I handle invitations that seem to be extended to me as a “favor?” I do not want to impose on others.

Watch your assumptions! Don’t assume that just because you are single you are less desirable to others as company. It is just possible that others welcome your presence as a true asset to their holiday get together.

If you believe that you might be imposing, it would be important to air this concern honestly and openly. If instead you respond with a polite refusal, without expressing your underlying feelings, your response may be misconstrued as disinterest and you risk the possibility of discouraging those you care about from reaching out in the future.

3) What if I truly want to be alone? Does that mean there is something wrong with me and should I say “yes” in order to avoid offending my friends and family?

While enjoying the company of others is an important part of a healthy, well-rounded existence, it is also important to be able to enjoy being by yourself. Most people seem to feel comfortable with a balance of together and alone time and it is your right to decide when each should occur. If you speak honestly with friends or family about your preference for being alone, it is not likely that those who truly care about your well-being will be offended.




Blended Families Can Feel A
Sense of Family At Holiday Times


While numerous suggestions offered to children and adults experiencing separation/divorce can also be helpful to blended families, some unique features of blended families call for specific suggestions to cope with holidays.

Some children may not live with the family but may be visiting at holiday time. Children may scatter on a particular holiday as divorce agreements between the remarried couple may differ in how children spend their holiday. There may be six or eight grandparents to visit instead of four; with numerous extended kin to consider. Finances also need to be considered since there are simply more gifts to buy for more family members; with parents sometimes having to support two households. Stepparents may feel very anxious about how to go about holiday planning.

Since the stepparent-child relationship may still be evolving, it is important that all family members discuss holiday plans, needs and decisions way ahead of time to avoid unnecessary hurt feeling.

  • The following suggestions are intended to help a stepfamily create a family holiday time.

  • Discuss plans when non-live-in children who may be with you at a holiday time are there.

  • Allow some discussion about old celebrations to give family members a chance to express their feelings and work on any related grief issues.
  • Parents need to communicate with former spouses and present mates to determine and coordinate times to be with children.
  • Allow children to express how they would like to spend their holiday. Try not to take their desire to be with another parent personally. It’s all right to express your feelings about this (e.g. disappointment) and request alternative times for you both to enjoy the holiday.

  • Brainstorm new traditions and select a few “special” ones all family members like. Designate deadlines and structure the tasks specifically to reinforce success.

  • Keep a few old traditions from each family that are still meaningful and shared among all family members.